A dark day…

This last week has been tough. One of the toughest I have faced in a while. I sustained a knee issue (commonly known as runners knee) which sucked but with some considerable rehab work and physio appointment it has alleviated a substantial amount. This was not the primary concern of the toughness, yet added to the stress. The significant event was learning of a guy I have know for over 20years, playing gigs together and seeing around town reasonably regularly recently, took his own life on Thursday night. Depression won the day and Sean saw the only way out through death. Incredibly sad news and not something I would welcome upon anyone.

Sean and I were not close. He was a guy I would chat to and say gday to if our paths crossed but we didn’t ever hang out. Which contributed to the perplexity of emotion I felt. I am still bemused why but his passing really affected me…..more than learning of people closer to me dying. I don’t know if it was that I have known him for so long, we were both eternal devotees to heavy music, he was into fitness or the fact that he had kids and a family/wife. I don’t know. But I do know it caused many tears and an overwhelming feeling of sadness I struggled to reason with. I think more than any of those things, it was the way he passed…suicide.

I, probably like many others have had my struggles with darkness and suicidal ideations as a young person. The music I lingered in, the heroes I held on a pedestal and all the challenges of finding my way as a teenager, i certainly had my battles with similar thoughts. However, on a grander scale, my life was good, I had a family who loved me and I never acted on any such thoughts.

The brotherhood though music also seemed to be a correlating factor between Sean and I. We both like our tunes between a mix of heavy and heavier. If you are not in this space you will struggle to understand this, however, I believe Sean had more of a taste for metal and heavy rock, generally darker and somber. I however like straight up hardcore, posi-hardcore and tough guy music. Whist aggressive, a lot of the time there is a very positive and uplifting connotation to this form of heavy music. I can’t listen to the dark super brutal stuff a lot as it does affect the spirit….well mine anyway.

Then there is the fitness side of things. Sean was big into CrossFit and getting massive. This used to be my world and whilst no longer, I have a LOT of friends in this space who knew and trained with him who are so shocked at what has occurred.

I think these factors and just the selfishness of suicide just all go to me. I am well aware Sean had ongoing struggle with depression. I do not underestimate the heaviness of this. However, no one seems to come out and say it, and I know it is a more complex issue when mental health is involved, but suicide is the most selfish act one can complete. To leave behind a wife, kids, friends and family is cowardly and so incredibly upsetting. I am not speaking ill of the passed here, just my thoughts and perspective of the act. It must take an incredible amount of personal suffering and blocking out of those around you to go through with it.

Through processing Seans passing and reflection on all of the above mentioned, it stirred something within me, particularly around mens mental health and our roll in society. I feel as thought men and particularly young men these days feel less and less valued. With womens rights moving so strongly forward, gender rolls blending and confusion around what it means to be a man, men are struggling. Suicide and mental health issues amongst men seem to be at an all time high and if these issues are not prevalent, a dull, vanilla, ‘don’t say anything incase its ‘wrong’’ mentality is strong within men today. THIS HAS TO STOP!

Men are important to society, families, children, woman and the circles they move in. Let us be men! Not in a negative way, however, I personally believe men and women both have important rolls to play TOGETHER and let each do their thing. For the love of all that is holy, stop trying to mute men and render them insignificant. This is so incredibly damaging to a man and his feelings of worth that it provides a very slippery slope to a negative thought pattern. I truly believe men knowing or not knowing their rolls in the world today is a big contributor to their feelings of being lost.

So, thoughts, feelings and emotion has abound this week. It has been a lot to process and I have been sad. I have cried more tears than in recent times and found myself emotional when talking about it. Each day has been coming a little better but it absolutely has been tough. I implore you men…if you are struggling in any way, please reach out! Get help and don’t be afraid to ask! There is a lot of help, friends, and support if you need it! You are loved and important….never not believe that! Stay strong brother. You are loved. Absolutely much peace, friendship and blessings. Consistency + Commitment.