The wash up...

17/4 – Man, the last week has been an interesting one! Since coming home from DU135 and my near attempt, I returned to work on Wednesday and have been doing a lot of processing since. Sooooo many things have passed through my mind, a couple of which I will try to unpack now… Firstly, I am still TIRED! I like to think I am going ok, but every time I squat down or do anything that requires much effort, I realise am still pretty wrecked. I believe I am on the other side of that deep tiredness now some eight days later, but still have a ways to go that's for sure. Secondly, I have been playing over the ‘what if’s’ pretty hard in my brain. What if I planned my naps better and waited till later in the race for when I was truly tired? Could I have ran harder day two? What if I hadn’t been told I only had four hours to get to Loes Lane checkpoint? Would I have pushed harder through that section and made it before cut off? What if I would have got to have a nap like I planned at Square Bottle, could I have crushed to the finish? What if I would have pushed harder, earlier on the second day and ran instead of trying to be smart and conserve energy for the back end of the race? And probably the biggest one, what if the course wasn't 4k long on the way out (prob close to 8k all up), would I have made that cut off? Why is it so so disappointing to get pulled less than 30k from the finish? All of these ‘what if’s’ probably aren’t healthy for me to be playing over and over in my mind, I get that, but it is a natural part of de-briefing after a major event. I have been focusing on this race for a year and it is still a bitter pill to swallow….not getting the job done completely. Thirdly, why is it in human nature to be happy for another when they didn't do what they set out to achieve? I don't want to sound like an ungrateful so-and-so here and I truly love and appreciate all the kind words everyone has offered in relation to my race…..but…..at the end of the day, I still didn't finish what I set out to. I failed, and that's ok! I sometimes think this way of thinking reflects our present day societal ‘just do your best, everyone gets a ribbon’ attitude. It frustrates the life out of me. It is actually sobering and appreciated the occasional person who ‘gets it’ and just gets straight to the point with something like ‘You must be so disappointed you didn't finish’. The athletes mind is set on getting a job done and anything less is a failure. Don't be scared of failure. Without it we don't push ourselves, get better, find our limits or achieve great things! In saying all that though…..a week and a bit later, I am also incredibly proud of what I did achieve. The DU135 is possibly one of the most, if not THE most (in my mind) brutal and challenging races in Australia. The course, technicality, elevation gain and lost, time limits and distance, all combine to make it an animal not many will be able to tame. I got 190k done on that course which is still an amazing achievement. I am stoked, humbled and honoured to have covered that distance, hang with and meet some wonderful people and experience the amazing event for a second time and give it my best. I truly did turn up with the 2018 version of my best and I just wasn't quite good enough on the day. Even still, I wouldn't change much of that race (apart from a few minor details) for the world. I gave it a solid crack and for what I did out there on the day, can walk away happy…until next time that is! I just want to thank everyone for their beautiful words of encouragement, condolences, love, friendship and following along my journey. You all mean the world to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! When we risk great things as athletes and fall short, I believe it is the effort and putting ourselves out there that is important, not so much the result. I would prefer to attempt MASSIVE goals and fail than safe ones and achieve. This has been a real mindset shift within me lately and one I am embracing. I love you all, thank you again and stay tuned for the next adventure! Big love.